two days ago i let go of a close friendship.

it was not a decision i wanted to make.

it was an act of self care.

i have been self-diagnosed as autistic since late august of 2014, and in november 2014 i announced it online, for no other reason than to be open and honest with my family and friends.

throughout the past handful of months, i’ve posted more frequently about being disabled (i also have severe physical pain) and things relating to autism. while these posts still get feedback, they don’t gather as many likes and comments as when i post pictures of my daughter, or when i mention that i’m having a good day.

and that’s fine. i’m not a person that measures my self worth by how much feedback i receive on my facebook posts. but i continue to post things because they are relevant to my life, and i don’t think too much about whether or not people like it.

however, the person who i removed from my friends circle decided to message me, saying she can’t be supportive until i get a professional diagnosis, and that all i’m doing is demanding attention and sympathy.

i responded as civilly and respectfully as possible, but i remained firm that i believe in my diagnosis and i’m not going to stay silent about what i’m going through.

she insisted that i need a professional.

it was then that i realized i would have no success trying to explain myself further. and i shouldn’t have to justify myself to anyone.

only i know what it’s like in my head. only i know what it’s like in my body. how i seem to others is not an accurate representation of my mental state.

i hide the majority of my autistic traits because i grew up trying as much as possible to blend in with everyone else, and so i strengthened the social muscles that are necessary to speak and hold conversations. what people can’t see is how exhausting it is to do this, day after day.

i don’t need everyone to agree with me.

that’s not why i let go of the friendship.

i do need my circle of friends to treat me with courtesy and respect.

i realized if i continued my friendship with this person, receiving courtesy and respect from this person would be tenuous and conditional.

and that is unacceptable to me.

i’m sure not everyone in my life agrees with my judgement.

i can accept that.

and now i know that i am strong enough to stand up for myself. which feels great.

i want to thank my former friend for teaching me this lesson.